12-Step Program to Help Your Toddler with Separation Anxiety
Written on March 25, 2008The crumpled face, arms death-gripped around your knees, wail that rips through your heart. It’s the normal response of a securely attached toddler who protests what she perceives as a life-threatening separation from her mother.
Unfortunately, many of us have no choice except to have our toddlers spend time in childcare. If you have the option, arrange for your toddler to go to “school” only in the morning. Research shows that toddlers who are in childcare all day end up with high levels of stress hormones. A full day is hard on little ones. But if you’re confident about the caregiver or daycare center, you can help your toddler get through this difficult stage and give him a good group experience.
Here’s your twelve step program:
1. Facilitate your toddler’s bonding with the caregiver. She will still protest your leaving, but the caregiver should be able to comfort her. If she keeps crying for twenty minutes, it means she isn’t willing to accept comfort from this new person yet. How? First, let her have good experiences with her caregiver in your presence. Second, relate warmly to the caregiver in your toddler’s presence. Third, put up a photo of the caregiver holding your toddler on your refrigerator, and speak warmly to it: “Helen, you won’t believe it when my daughter shows you that she knows how to wash her hands all by herself!” Fourth, speak with enthusiasm to your child about her fun with the caregiver.
2. Help him get comfortable in this new situation. Invest in making this experience work for your toddler by spending a few mornings at the caregiver’s. The minute he gets engaged in something, try to take a back seat, nearby but not engaged.
3. Start with short separations. After he feels comfortable with this new situation, and has developed a relationship with the caregiver, start by saying goodbye, leaving, and then returning as soon as he stops crying. If you start with short absences, your toddler will learn more quickly that you always return. But don’t give in to the temptation to return while he’s still crying, or he’ll think crying can bring you back!
4. Develop a parting routine. For instance, always read her a quick story, then hug her and tell her you love her and when you’ll be back, then put her in her caregiver’s arms, then say your standard parting phrase (“I love you, you love me, have a great day and I’ll pick you up at three!”). Stick to your routine every day and resist the urge to either extend it or cut it short.
5. Leave her with a comfort object. If you can give her something of yours, such as a scarf, she may be able to comfort herself with it, although don’t be surprised if she throws it on the floor as you leave. Many people suggest giving your child a lovey, and of course these are helpful, although no substitute for a parent.
6. Help your toddler to understand what’s happening. His language may be limited, but he still understands a great deal. It will help him to cope if you reassure him by explaining what will happen. Don’t stop with the separation, keep going to describe the fun he will have:
“First I’ll read you a story. Then Helen will hold you. I will say ‘See you later Alligator!’ and I will leave to go to work, and you and Helen will wave from the window. Then you and Helen will dance to the music you like. You might be sad, but the music and dancing will make you feel better. Then all the kids will have snack, you will play outside, and you will play with the playdoh. I will be back right after lunch to pick you up. Mommy always comes back.”
7. Don’t give in to the temptation to sneak out. It will make her separation anxiety worse in the long run. When she bursts into tears, say calmly “I know you don’t want me to leave, but I will be back right after lunch.” Then leave. Hide your own distress and signal that things are fine by being matter of fact.
8. Discuss in advance with the caregiver what she can do to comfort and distract your toddler. Some toddlers are calmed by running water, or by visiting the window to watch the birds at the feeder, or by dancing in the caregiver’s arms. One boy I knew was always distracted by a particular video of earth moving equipment; his mom could say goodbye, settle him in front of the video with his lovey, and leave. When the video ended half an hour later, he joined the other kids without a fuss. You need reassurance that the caregiver will keep trying until she finds something that distracts your toddler, and that she will hold your toddler whenever he needs to be held while you are gone. And if she can get the other kids started on a fun activity that your toddler can’t wait to join (“Look at the playdoh!”), it might shorten the hysterics.
9. Don’t be late to pick your toddler up. If she finishes lunch and you aren’t there yet as promised, you will be setting up a long-term feeling that you don’t always follow through on your promises, which is no basis for a bond with your child.
10. Help your toddler learn that people return. Play games like Peek a Boo, or hiding and finding a loved object (“Is your lovey under the bed? Is your lovey behind the shower curtain? YES, there’s your lovey!”), or Hide and Go Seek (and of course hide in a place where he can easily find you!) Read books about separation and return, like P.D. Eastman’s Are You My Mother, or Kathi Appelt’s Oh My Baby Little One (a fabulous book about leaving your baby at daycare.)
11. Create a “Lots of People Love Me” book. Put together a small child-sized photo album with people your toddler loves holding her: you, her other parent, her grandparents, her caregiver, cousins and friends. Let her get used to her caregiver reading it to her in your presence. Many children are comforted by reading such a book when they miss their parents.
12. Give your toddler lots of love and attention when you are with him. You may need a hot bath at the end of the day, but your toddler needs your calm, loving presence to unwind and relax. Keep things peaceful, avoid power struggles, and look for opportunities to connect.
Your toddler will eventually outgrow his separation anxiety. This twelve step program will make the process faster and easier for your child – and for you!
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Dr. Laura Markham is a clinical psychologist and the founding editor of the parenting web site www.YourParentingSolutions.com, featuring a popular advice column and parent-tested solutions you can use every day to connect with your kids and create a richer family life. Her work appears regularly on a dozen parenting sites and in print, and she conducts frequent online chats with readers. Dr. Markham specializes in helping families nurture the parent-child relationships that protect today’s kids. She lives in New York with her husband, 11 year old daughter, and 15 year old son.
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My daughter is three and never use to show signs of seperation aniexity, but in the past couple months she won’t let me leave when I drop her off at school. I don’t know what to do. She is smart and asks why I have to leave? I simply tell her to make money so me and her can do fun stuff together. Then I give her a time I will be back and twenty minutes later after repeating myself a lot she walks off crying to the other kids. Why now, and where did my happy girl go?
Amazing article! Detailed and very interested. I am going to recommend this blog to my friends.
I am definatly going to have to try some of these techniques.My little boy is horrible when it comes to leaving him. It not only is hard on him but I also feel guilty for leaving him. I hope this helps. Thanks for the article!
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